Tap Tap

Hello out there, long time no post. The last year in my life has been a hectic one.
Moved out to Georgia at the beginning of the year, found that what we had been expecting, and told to expect, was nowhere near what the reality was. I worked [my husband had no luck finding work] for many, many reasons, I stopped doing a lot of online activity. I completely forgot about maintaining this blog, even though I was continuing my health journey as much as possible.
I grew alot this past year as far as my relationship with food, my understanding of bmr and calorie counting, and how my body reacts to the different ratios of the golden three: fats, carbs, and protien.
In the middle of all this, I became pregnant. I'm beyond excited about this, but incredibly frustrated at the lack of info geared towards women who were overweight or obese about health during pregnancy.
I currently am taking Bradley Method Classes, and am following the Bradley diet of high protien intake, something my body loves. I moved back to California in September. I've been very studious, yet very relaxed about the whole weight gain during pregnancy. I'm not calorie restricting, but I'm  not having a free for all. I feel like I could even be eating better, but I know realistically I'm not doing anything terrible to my body or baby.

I am up only ~5-6 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, and I have 3ish months left, so I feel I've definitely done well. I try to stay active, but formal exercise seems beyond me these days. I'm annoyed by the lack of definite should and should nots for pregnancy exercise. I kept getting vague answers, along the lines of stick to what my body was used to. Meh. I do some sort of walking [either wandering around a store or more formal exercise under 21 minute pace for 2 miles] and I've been squatting.
I have no idea where to start post partum other than to go walking, but depending on recovery time, I want to get back on some sort of program. I may give Zuzka another shot. I have so many options, and no one to ask what their preference was, or how long they waited. Another question is room. My current set up makes it hard, but I could feasibly do it.

So

So, a week ago I was madly packing, trying to stay awake to finish and eventually having my husband say it was bedtime. The next day, Friday,  I awoke at 7amish I didn't go back to 'bed' until 11:30 pm the next day. Now, I did have 2 or 3 1-hr naps in there somewhere, but my husband and I drove and gassed up etc 8:30pm pst Friday to 3:30am Monday est with only one big stop. It was stressful, from packing up the moving truck to dealing with 2 cats who were less than pleased to find themselves not only stuck in a giant box, but also less than pleased to be let out on leashes along the way. The trip itself was awesome with my husband. Everything surrounding it, from my MIL being a snarky bitch to arriving and dealing with squeezing as little of our lives into our host's generous home and mostly into storage, to time differences and new years eves parties that involved too much drinking to cover social awkwardness, I feel a giant stress ball.
I'm only barely acknowledging that I've made I giant leap into a different life.   I'm not homesick yet. Not for the godson who sends me voice-mails, not for the crazy I was extricating myself from. I miss my parents in random ways. I wish I could show them the different things here, keep having moments of thinking showing them can be next week, and then remembering that they are far far away.

I haven't abandoned exercising, but I'm not where I used to be. I live now in a house with 2 flights of stairs I traverse regularly each day. There is a home gym in the basement my husband and I intend to take advantage of, and the 'block' is hilly and good for our evening walks. I've been trying to do my squats challenge.
The house is going on the 'Whole30' diet that we all intend to be a good cleanse to our systems.

So what do I mean  by all the babbling?
Stress still rules but the other end of the tunnel is in sight. My posts will not be regular, still.
My role is different here and I'm adjusting.

Ok all. Keep faith in yourselves.

Where I check in

Hi.
I haven't been here for awhile, you may have noticed.
You see, I was ashamed. I have once again gained back everything I lost and then some. I'm angry at myself, at all the reasons that have contributed to it.
The stress of the wedding. The planning, the aftermath in which we had a second reception closer to home. The fact that I knew it would be stressful to live full-time with my MIL, but I have been drowning in it.
I know that alot of women complain about their MILs, but I now see why my husband reacts to her like he does. She responds to alot of situations with the maturity of a teenager, most likely due to the fact that not only was she playing with drugs in the 60s, she did it all over again in the 90s to deal with menopause. She will stay home for any reason instead of going to/back to work, and while really it's her business, it's hard for me because she doesn't like not having my full attention. It's exhausting to need to pay attention, talk, placate, etc for hours on end. I feel like I'm not even explaining it properly. All I know is being in this house feels poisonous. Recently, she has been waging a silent passive-aggressive war on me. She's mad we're moving far away in a month. She's angry I'm taking away the one son who doesn't blow her off. She's mad she's losing her captive audience.
Currently, I'm a home maker. I cook and clean. But I loathe being treated like I'm now responsible for the entire house. She doesn't cook, she doesn't do dishes when I cook, she leaves messes and expects me to clean them up. She lets her grandchildren make huge messes and doesn't have them pick up after themselves, nor do it herself. She doesn't take out the trash, just fusses that it's there. She doesn't keep food in the house, but will binge on our carefully budgeted food [his lunches], 'replace' it and binge on it but refuses to buy enough food to last 2ish weeks so when she comes home and asks me what's for dinner, I can make something.
Are these petty grievances? Because I don't think so. I married my husband, and we agreed to take care of each other. I didn't marry her, and I certainly didn't agree to become her live-in maid and chef.
So all that is rolling around, boiling inside. The only time it gets any kind of out is when my husband and I go on our evening walks and I shout it to the skies.
Now I know that it is ultimately my choice, but she has been the main reason I started drinking. It is a stupid response to stress, I know it. I can know it all I want, but the one drink to relax kept turning into 3 or 4 because I didn't realize that her plus my bipolar depression is a crappy way to be.
I stopped exercising. Between her flaking out and my own random goings on, we stopped going to the gym together, and I've yet to come to a balance between gym and home workouts. Right now I'm trying to do a squat challenge I found on Tumblr.

I'm not sedentary, as I said my husband and I go on walks, and there's always cleaning to do which keeps me up and at em.
But I know it's not enough. And because I know it's not, I feel shitty about myself because I make plans to exercise, and then don' do them. I either end up distracting myself with cleaning, or the MIL comes home for lunch and drains me emotionally, sometimes taking an emotional shit on me before she goes back to work, and I spend every minute of her lunch dreading her deciding not to go back.
I'm trying to fight my way out of the hole, I'm trying not to give up entirely on my health, because I know I deserve the respect to my body. right now it's walking up quicksand, but I know soon there will be something solid to stand on.
I don't know how often I will be back, but it will most likely not be happy entries until the end of the year.
Bright Blessings

Wave Hello

So I'm not going to do WWI until the end of the month. Between stress, constant travel, and my weekends being vastly different because of camping and food, my Weight has been bouncin around in a 7-lb space for the past month. It will be horrible until the end of the week, when it will get back to normal, then suck all over again. I'm however a little paicked my wedding dress will be a tad snug in 3 days.
Wow 3 days? I'm already disappointed I will be that sausage in white....
anywhos, I'll try to update a little more ofter

WWI

Today's Weight: 203.2
 Difference: + 2.9
Total Difference:  -8.0
--------------------------------------

I'm totally flabbergasted by those numbers, my weight held just fine this weekend, and here I have a big gain. Annoyed beyond belief.
 Started Ripped in 30 yesterday, seems decent. I don't know if my burn was really good because it was a new exercise routine, or if even week one will kick butt. I'm liking how basic it is, though, because it's something familiar and I don't spend half the workout flummoxed on doing certain moves.
I should prolly get to that...

BL, Weight, and Zucchini

Its annoying, while watching the Biggest Loser from the beginning, how many people think that when they're upset and their trainer says 'lets go workout', that they feel punished. none of them seem to get that they're being shown a new way to deal with stress. Instead of eating, they can exercise.


Today was one of those sucky days, where I was feeling good about my weight and body so I feel it's a good time to take progress pics. Well, there seems to be no difference since the end of my Body Revolution. It felt like such a blow, I'm feeling good, haven't been drinking, working out [as well as tackling a huge cleaning project with good results], making good food choices, and the weight seems to be taking its time going away, but it has gone some. So to see that I'm not making a difference like I felt I had. Oh well, again, won't stop me from doing what I should be. Just feels crappy.

I have finally made zucchini pasta, and mm mm tastes good. Totally want to make a lasagna with zucchini for  the noodles and see how it turns out.

See you for my weigh in in a couple of days

Body Rev Results

 

These look like poor results and not a good plug for the program, right?

That's somewhat true. These pictures do not adequately illustrate a few things. For one, those pants became looser, especially in the tummy.  2, my arms became alot stronger, more muscled . 3, my endurance shot through the roof. 4, I graduated from 5's being a challenge, to using 8's, and now have 12's to challenge myself. I never thought I could get up to 12's.

So why the poor results?

I'm not sure. I mean, I lost no weight the first month, but 1 the first 2 weeks were not particularly challenging to my fitness level, 2 I may have been building muscle. Phase 2 included my diet going into a tailspin because of my job. I don't eat much fast food, because everything that sounds good to eat is too high in calories, and that makes eating out a bummer. However, out of necessity, I began eating out several times a week. Also, my drinking....got heavier than expected on the weekends. I had a no weigh in challenge going, which helped me not see what the drinking and fast food were doing, not that the fast food could be helped a majority of the time. I gained 5 lbs. Which leads to Phase 3, where I barely shed that which I gained in phase 2.  

I expect that my second time around with this will be much more satisfactory.

I will still recommend it to anyone. I'm not a success story, and it's my on fault.

Phase 3 review later

There again

Yeah, I'm sure hormones are contributing, but I can't stop bumming over how much I have failed. I failed in my goal to be a dress size down by my august fitting. I failed in my goal to lose weight in general.  May not have failed the goal to make exercise part of my life, but seriously bummed that apparently my diet sucks worse than I thought it does.  So I failed at that. Last night I deamt about what I've been dreading, how much I'm going to look like a sausage in my wedding dress. An ivory white sausage.  And I'm tired of defending my depression over this to others who assume I'm going to quit because I've failed.  I'm just frustrated. It's absolutely maddening to make so much effort and get no results, inches or lbs.
Also, cant remember if I mentioned here, but I upped my calories back to 1400. I really feel I wasn't eating enough at net 1200.



also:

The more I come to understand about nutrition and calories, the more I wonder at the dietary changes my doctor put my on for my cholesterol a few years ago. It was high enough to need medication, but really had barely made the cut for needing meds to help lower it. There are plenty of foods I understand why I needed to cut back on, but now my mind reels at the fact that they put me on a flat 1200 cal diet. They told me to exercise too, and really, I understand now why I didn’t lose weight, I wasn’t eating enough. I was exercising 3-5 days a week back then, but the drastic change and the massive calorie restriction really screwed me up. Back then I was still smoking so I had that when I ran out of calories, and I did come to love tea, but wow. I’m appalled now they didn’t refer me to a nutritionist to help lower my daily intake and come up with diet changes that would work for me. Half of the things on the sheet they handed me I won’t eat, or couldn’t afford to eat. The other half, I already ate. Add that to not getting enough food [I remember being constantly hungry, and miserable back then.], it’s no wonder that in 6 months I only lost 30 lbs. I have mentioned before that my doctor really screwed me up by telling me I was on the verge of a stroke or heart attack as a scare tactic to get me to change my health.
/end rambling

Previewing My Last 2 Weeks

It looks...scary fun. I know now I will be sweating hard. I can't believe I've gotten this far. Even if I haven't gotten far.  I hate having to fight for every single pound, what seems like harder than most people, but 6 weeks of less than perfect eating gains me 5-6 pounds. I was still exercising, active, just gah!
I so want to do phase 2 and 3 over again, but I don't know if I should do that later and keep to my 30DS intense I want to do. I hate feeling so indecisive.
Also, I may not be finished, but I definitely recommend Body Revolution.

Right now on Mondays/Thursdays disc I get to do 'Boat pose hold, hollow man hold, boat pose hold, hollow an hold, boat pose hold' and I can do it without needing to drop! I am so proud of myself.

No Weigh May Results

Beginning:
Weight: as of 4/25 203.2
Bust: 43
Underbust: 35.5
Waist: 40.5
Hips: 52.5
Upper Arms:  L- 16 R- 15
Thighs: L- 28 R- 27
Calves: L-16.5 R- 16.25
End:
Weight: as of 6/6  208.5
Bust: 42
Underbust: 35.5
Waist: 40.5
Hips: 52.5
Upper Arms:  L- 15.75 R- 14.75
Thighs: L- 28 R- 27
Calves: L-16 R- 16.25


So in the end, I may have triumphed by not stepping on the scale for 31 days, but in the end I needed it to keep me in check because I wasn’t aware of how much I was letting things slide. Of the 5 weeks I didn’t weigh, I exercised 4, needing to postpone a week’s worth of exercise for what felt like good reason. Still does. In those 5 weeks, I ate out more than I normally do, especially in the last 2 weeks, where I had fast food nearly every day. Most of those times I made healthy choices, as much as you can at fast food. A few times I indulged in naughtier foods because I still don’t believe in restricting foods.  In general, I feel it was the up-kick in fast food and alcohol consumption that contributed to the pound a week gain. [I’m going to check tomorrow, I had Chinese food last night and I don’t know how screwy it made my weight today.]
So I’m going to make it a point to kick ass in June and really buckle down.

I will post my review of Phase 2 in a little bit.

Sorry for my absence the last two weeks I was working alot and didn't have much time for blogging.

I don't know why, but this week, I having a hard timme getting my ass in gear to actually work out. I've just not been in the mood. I enjoy the workouts for these weeks, and most of the time after I'm happy I did it, but I'm just not feeling it this week.
But I am excited about dying my hair after today's workout.

Playing Catch up

So two weeks in a row I ended up working a full day on monday, and so did what I asked about last week:
I did Monday's on Tuesday, and doubled Tuesday's with Wednesday's.
And eek, I'm past the half way point of the program! It's so weird. I'm also past the idway point of the month/phase, how is time flying like this?
My No Weigh May thing is probably good for me, because I'm almost certain I've not lost weight this month, and I don't know that I will in the the next 15 days. Something to do with out exercising a bad diet, and mine is all over the place, for many reasons. Some of them are ok, most are just my idiocy.  On a somewhat positive side, I don't think I'm gaining. But I cant be sure fore 25 more days. I don't miss weighing in, but in the past two days I've kinda wanted to know since I'm bumming. Oh well

However, lately I've been feeling smaller to myself, which is not in keeping with my weekly pictures, but it still feels nice.

Ranty

I'm just annoyed.  I'm annoyed that when it comes to bmr,  I apparently need to become active, clean all day.  It's not enough that I try to eat healthfully or that I exercise and I eat at a deficit from  my bmr.  Exercise doesn't seem to count with most websites designed to help you lose the weight. I exercise 6 days out of the week.  I clean/do house hold chores 2-3 days a week. My weekend job calls for me to do a fair bit of walking. But I still am not doing enough.  I guess since it's time to reclaim my back yard again, I will have a reason to be active to a good part of the day.  Also, I will be cleaning out  the front half of my parent's garage next week. Hopefully it has some positive impact. Grrr.  I hate feeling like a fool, because I really thought I was doing better, but it turns out I'm not losing weight like I thought I should for a very good reason.  Because also, it feels like  the idea that exercising raises your overall metabolism, and therefore, how much you're burning while resting, to be complete bullshit.

excuse my pity party.

I Weerrrrk Ooooouut Pt 2

Today's Weight: 204.2
Difference: -3.0
Total Difference:  -7.1
-------------------------------

Said kitty taking over the fiancee's lap

My body is so sore! Weeks 3 & 4 are going to kick my ass in a good way. Yesterday I kinda 3/4-assed my way through the BoB disc, because 2/3 of the way through one of my cats decided she wanted attention and came and plopped herself in my workout space. When you're doing plank leg raises somehow petting a purring fluffy cat seems like a much better idea :P



So, it's weird these days. I have a ton a dietary rules, but some are ones I haven't mentioned to anyone else. Sometimes it's because I wouldn't think to share it, and sometimes it is because I don't want to seem like I'm pushing my feelings on others/being a bitch about it. Last week, [and really, most of the times I'm there these days], when visiting at a friend's place, she offered me juice. I declined, for 2 reasons. The first was that I was participating in a 'drink water for the rest of the week' challenge, and because 2, I don't believe in drinking juice as a beverage.  I didn't explain either one to her, because anytime I talk health makes her want to go be unhealthy, but also, I didn't need her telling me in one shape or another how stupid I was for not thinking it was healthy.  While my choices are never an attack on hers, she always feels they are and spends a lot of time defending hers and trying to show me how wrong I am. I'm really, most simply, a person who prefers to get the juice, and vitamins etc, from the fruit itself. Really, I like the taste of juice, but the sugar content, hidden additives and what have you just don't make it worth it to me. The only time I drink juice is when I have a UTI. It has worked well for me in helping me rid myself of it, but the rest of my body suffers. But, really, it's just my choice.
Of course, I'm a little sore at her since last week, when showing her the picture of Phase 1 Body Revolution, she asked if I ever got around to doing the 30DS.  I've already told her all about it, but she has a tendency to forget a lot of the things I tell her about my life. So I said yes, and she asked if I had lost any weight on it, to which I replied that I had, about 6 pounds when it came down to it, but I had gained some of it back, my weight had been funky lately. I want to point out my 30DS ended a month ago,  so at the time she was asking 3 weeks previously. When I finished my answer about my weight being funky, she nodded, smiled sadly and said, "Yeah, looks like it didn't do much for you, I'm sorry hun."  She gestured towards my belly to indicate lack of shrinkage, and said something to the effect of: right in here.
I've been dwelling on this for almost a week, going through differing phases of hurt and upset. At the time, I said nothing, because I have gained some back. I felt about 3 inches tall and like all my efforts aren't working. Later, when the fiancee picked me up for the weekend, I was livid. I was wearing loose clothing that day, something comfy for playing with the godson. I was livid that when I had finished the shred, I had looked different and at the time she told me I looked like I lost weight. But, the seed of feeling like crap had been planted and bloomed. Even though I'm upset that she has felt that once again brutal honesty is the only way to be a good friend, I'm also upset that I can't get past what she said.
It hasn't stopped me from eating well, from exercising. I'm loving phase 1 and love that I never do the FoB and BoB discs enough times to memorize, and then get bored with them.  I guess I'm confused. I don't understand how I can feel so much better about myself, have so many healthier attitudes, but have a couple of people [and a cold sore that got so huge I looked like I had a red Hitler mustache] say or treat me like this and I feel small.

I will stop rambling now. Have a good day everybody!

WWI blahs

Today's Weight: 207.2
Difference: +1.8
Total Difference:  -4.1
-------------------------------
 
I'm more than a little upset. I'm very frustrated that right now one or two miscalculations in a new situation has led to a huge gain. I'm still exercising damnit, I was trying to make the best choices and found out I was still wrong. Not to mention realizing that I've plateaued after  what, losing 2.5 lbs? Because really, that what this is, yo-yoing between the same damn few pounds. 
Excuse me while I go stew in my hole and try to figure out how to climb this mountain. Besides screaming obscenities at my body. and the people in my life who are verbally attacking my choices that are trying to avoid this outcome again




 Baked Chicken with Dijon and Lime
Whiskey Steak
Lentil Chili
Mexican Lentils and Rice

Meh with a dash of blargh

I think I want to bang my head on a brick wall.
Today, I took some personal, aka naked, progress pics. I had thought it would be a nice pick me up to see how my results had changed my body, up close and personal.  Except when I compared them to the ones I took 2 months ago... no difference. I was flabbergasted. Sure, the angles were a teensy, tiny bit off from each other, it's difficult to recreate the same shot perfectly. But as I flipped back and forth, back and forth, nothing. Since it seems my scale wasn't lying yesterday, the weights aren't all that different in the pics. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason there was difference in the pics is because the day 1 pics were taken right after I got back from Florida, bloated with salt, alcohol, and carbs. While my recorded starting weight was a tad high for the challenge, after it dipped back to my more normal weight, it shot up again, with what I assumed was water weight from building muscle, but now I can only conclude I was gaining weight.  a week and a half before my extended end date of the challenge, I had dropped down about 6 lbs, and I was ecstatic. I maintained it for about 3-4 days, then, I started gaining weight. Again, I assumed it was muscle water weight because I had added the kickboxing in. I have gained back 4 of the 6 lbs I dropped, and while I know my diet wasn't pristine in the last week and a half, 4 lbs in 2 weeks is really horrible.
Maybe I'm just whiny. My measurements didn't really improve since the beginning of the year. I was so excited about that, when I thought they had improved. But when I did measurements today, it seems I got them wrong last Saturday. My hips seem to measure differently each day of the week. blargh.



On a different note, doing Jillian's kickboxing and Bob's yoga in the same day will make you SORE the next day. it's been a while since my legs were this damn sore. Today is just kick boxing Because my muscles need some rest.

My vague thoughts for the next 3 weeks:

M: KB w-o 1
    30DS lvl 2
T: KB w-o 2
    30DS lvl 3
W: Yoga or TBT
      KB or 30DS [optional]
Th: KB w-o 1
      30DS lvl 3
F:  KB w-o 2
     30DS lvl 2
S: KB w-o 3


Since I'm busy on the weekend I'm not going to try to do a second workout because I will be too tired in the evenings.
------
ED

Another thought that has been on my mind, I wish I had a weight-loss buddy. Not someone to workout with, in general I don't care for working out with people. Yoga class at the gym is one thing, it reminds me of PE, at least what I had in grammar school where we lined up and all looked at the teacher. Tad less goofing off at the gym though. Anywho, the MIL is by no means a supportive person when it comes to our shared interest in weight loss, on the contrary she tends to big dick me when we discuss what we've been doing. I read plenty of blogs, but the non-tumblr blogs don't seem to be in the community mood, and that's their prerogative. I don't have the desire to create a second tumblr, and try to maintain one more weight-loss 'journal'. I'm sure I could get the support I crave if I did, and maybe I'll do it eventually if I still crave support. [myfitnesspal forums are not that active].
Don't know....

Y'know...

I'm happy with the changes I've made with my life, my healthy choices and what I'm striving for.  It's mildly paid off, though not like I'd like it to have.  I make an effort, every day. I make choices everyday.
But I'm still human, so to go pants shopping with someone I know who makes no health effort, actually eats unhealthy [she hates me talking about healthy foods for too long, it makes her long for a cheeseburger/etc] and has managed to loose weight, and wears pants 4-5 sizes smaller than I. While she has never been as heavy as I have been, it's damned depressing. Especially since last time I was this weight, I was in a size smaller, and I'm not anywhere near being there.
I could be bloated, but I glanced at myself in the mirror today and I look like I did at the start of my challenge. I took day 15 pics and there was a difference. :(
It's mostly me and my frustration that I'm working hard, getting little reward, and someone I know doesn't and they do get reward.
Also, arms, stop being silly, I can see how cut you are on top, be taut on bottom tooooooo! [I've been reading too many memes on tumblr]

Wednesday Weigh-in, Level 1 Summary

 Today's Weight: 209.7
Difference: -1.1
Total Difference:  -1.5

-------
Level 1 was a mix of moves that were easy for me and that I haven't done in forever and therefore kicked my ass.  I still have the shin splints, so I ended up modifying the cardio moves somewhat. I think this may have detracted somewhat from calorie torching.  For this level I did not completely meet my goal of days 6-10 being no modification days [injury mods not included]. Most of the moves I was able to go ahead and do unmodified, but push-ups? I'm sorry, I suck at them. I realized the second day I was doing them at a slow and steady pace that I was barely bending my arms, and that weight shift alone killed me.  I decided I would continue those modified and become more proficient at those. I'm also considering learning pushups on my stability ball.

This is week 11, and well, time for no more excuses. I'm not losing weight because I'm doing something wrong. I can't keep saying I had lots of carbs the day before, or Vicodin backs me up and I had oral surgery and haven't had a regular BM since Tuesday 14th, etc. I don't know what, or how I'm screwing up so horribly. My diet isn't that terrible, I actually love my veggies and eat them regularly.  Since I started working  out  I've worked out 3-5 hours a week.  Sorry but that's not half-assing it. I do know that I am beyond pissed. I'm not trying to out-exercise a bad diet. I'm trying to maintain a good one. All I feel I've accomplished is  bruising my forehead on the concrete wall I'm beating my head against. 4-lb yo-yo is supposed to be a plateua, not a near three month solid effort of healthier eating and exercising.


So my MIL has decided to get Jillian Michael's new program coming out, called Body Revolution. She wants us to do it one right after the other. It is a 90 day program and looks challenging and fun. And by fun I mean I will be yelling at Jillian while sweating copiously and grumbling the entire way through and then be thoroughly impressed with myself with being able to do new moves afterwards. It should be perfect timing after my scheduled month of kettle bells and Jillian Michael's new Kickboxing DVD [that I will be doing in conjunction with my last Bob Harper DVD purchase] I'm jazzed to have all this to look forward to. Also, may consider doing Insanity.

Also, yay me, as of today, 11 days with no soda. I miss it. However I got this tea and this tea while in epcot and can I just say? yummmmmmmmmy.

I guess I lied

Im seriously bumming right now that I could maintain my weight on vacation and im gaining like crazy on this new exercise program.
Can I have a tantrum now?

Wednesday Weigh-in and Brooding

Today's weight: 210.6
Difference: 0.6

-------
Sleep did not seem to help.  In general today is shaping into a day I would like to spend in bed.
It seems that both of my parents, not just my mother, feels its unrealistic to hope that with enough exercise and possible weight loss my arms will loos a couple of inches.  After their pronouncement last night that I returned with an acid, "Thanks.", my mother became exasperated and told my father this was what she was talking about. I told her this was different, and that shes been making disparaging comments for a couple of months now. She rolled her eyes and Dad said nothing. I don't know if he was doing that because he agrees with me or her. I do know that hearing them both doubt my ability to shape up and slim down even the tiniest felt like having my feet swept out from me and then having a kick in the gut for good measure. It especially feels like this because they have been more than happy to buy me sports bras, a yoga mat, a stability ball, so why they should be Negative Nancies in words is ... hurtful. It feels like my ever present cheer-leading squad felt the need to quit the team because they're sure their team is losing.
I realize that in 6 weeks I've made no actual progress in losing any weight, and my mind keeps niggling that they have a point, I must not be able to do this. But I also know that I should still keep trying. But after last night I just want to curl up in bed for a day.

Another reason I'm having a day of blues is wedding planning. As in more and more is being taken out of my hands and made into something I don't want, and when I say it's not what I want I get treated like I'm being unreasonable and irrational. Since this is an issue that goes back to my childhood [being treated like this] it's a huge trigger for me to feel helpless and like shit. I'm not being a bridezilla, in any way, because saying, and meaning I want small and simple is the truth. Where the wedding is being held it cannot be anything other than small, and I have never wanted fancy, outrageous, etc.

In other news, I don't know what to do for exercise today. My rear end and thighs are sore enough that trying to stand up or sit down  is problematic, so I don't know if my Element yoga would be pushing it [which I'm sure it would be], but taking a day off feels like cheating. Perhaps today would be a good day for 15 minute abs? Perhaps I will, with some yoga tonight once my glutes and quads have had some more rest. I mean I did go on a 30 minute walk this morning. But my goal has been that my walks in the morning with my mom being strictly extra curricular  to my exercise regime.  Perhaps it shall be a semi rest day, in which I will do my 15 minutes, do my Wednesday cleaning [the fiancee has weekly dinners with my parents and I], and get back on the horse rested tomorrow. *end ramble*

Small grumble: sometimes I detest counting calories. with my new deficit, I'm left feeling hungry at the end of the day no matter how smartly I ate.  fill up on fiber? done. Don't forget my protein? Hard to do so, yet at the end of the day, I'm still hungry. I wake up feeling hungry. I feel guitly for feeling hungry. I feel guitly looking at my livestrong when things go into the red because "Your Recommended Daily Allowance based on a 2,000 calorie diet scaled to your calorie goal. Set Custom Nutrient Goals " which you can set only if you're a paying member, which I wouldn't mind being except I can't afford it. So the general nutrient goals may not be practical for me at all, but the glaring red seems to say YOU Effed UP at me.  I wish it would be so easy to eat a little something in the manner of "Eat when you're hungry."

Oh and if you like spicy/peppers, Fresh and Easy has a poblano and jalapeno pepper beef patties that are pretty tasty and filling. Pair it with some veggies [I roasted a bell pepper but really anything that's fibrous and filling] and it makes a good meal.

Have a good one, everyone.