So

So, a week ago I was madly packing, trying to stay awake to finish and eventually having my husband say it was bedtime. The next day, Friday,  I awoke at 7amish I didn't go back to 'bed' until 11:30 pm the next day. Now, I did have 2 or 3 1-hr naps in there somewhere, but my husband and I drove and gassed up etc 8:30pm pst Friday to 3:30am Monday est with only one big stop. It was stressful, from packing up the moving truck to dealing with 2 cats who were less than pleased to find themselves not only stuck in a giant box, but also less than pleased to be let out on leashes along the way. The trip itself was awesome with my husband. Everything surrounding it, from my MIL being a snarky bitch to arriving and dealing with squeezing as little of our lives into our host's generous home and mostly into storage, to time differences and new years eves parties that involved too much drinking to cover social awkwardness, I feel a giant stress ball.
I'm only barely acknowledging that I've made I giant leap into a different life.   I'm not homesick yet. Not for the godson who sends me voice-mails, not for the crazy I was extricating myself from. I miss my parents in random ways. I wish I could show them the different things here, keep having moments of thinking showing them can be next week, and then remembering that they are far far away.

I haven't abandoned exercising, but I'm not where I used to be. I live now in a house with 2 flights of stairs I traverse regularly each day. There is a home gym in the basement my husband and I intend to take advantage of, and the 'block' is hilly and good for our evening walks. I've been trying to do my squats challenge.
The house is going on the 'Whole30' diet that we all intend to be a good cleanse to our systems.

So what do I mean  by all the babbling?
Stress still rules but the other end of the tunnel is in sight. My posts will not be regular, still.
My role is different here and I'm adjusting.

Ok all. Keep faith in yourselves.

Where I check in

Hi.
I haven't been here for awhile, you may have noticed.
You see, I was ashamed. I have once again gained back everything I lost and then some. I'm angry at myself, at all the reasons that have contributed to it.
The stress of the wedding. The planning, the aftermath in which we had a second reception closer to home. The fact that I knew it would be stressful to live full-time with my MIL, but I have been drowning in it.
I know that alot of women complain about their MILs, but I now see why my husband reacts to her like he does. She responds to alot of situations with the maturity of a teenager, most likely due to the fact that not only was she playing with drugs in the 60s, she did it all over again in the 90s to deal with menopause. She will stay home for any reason instead of going to/back to work, and while really it's her business, it's hard for me because she doesn't like not having my full attention. It's exhausting to need to pay attention, talk, placate, etc for hours on end. I feel like I'm not even explaining it properly. All I know is being in this house feels poisonous. Recently, she has been waging a silent passive-aggressive war on me. She's mad we're moving far away in a month. She's angry I'm taking away the one son who doesn't blow her off. She's mad she's losing her captive audience.
Currently, I'm a home maker. I cook and clean. But I loathe being treated like I'm now responsible for the entire house. She doesn't cook, she doesn't do dishes when I cook, she leaves messes and expects me to clean them up. She lets her grandchildren make huge messes and doesn't have them pick up after themselves, nor do it herself. She doesn't take out the trash, just fusses that it's there. She doesn't keep food in the house, but will binge on our carefully budgeted food [his lunches], 'replace' it and binge on it but refuses to buy enough food to last 2ish weeks so when she comes home and asks me what's for dinner, I can make something.
Are these petty grievances? Because I don't think so. I married my husband, and we agreed to take care of each other. I didn't marry her, and I certainly didn't agree to become her live-in maid and chef.
So all that is rolling around, boiling inside. The only time it gets any kind of out is when my husband and I go on our evening walks and I shout it to the skies.
Now I know that it is ultimately my choice, but she has been the main reason I started drinking. It is a stupid response to stress, I know it. I can know it all I want, but the one drink to relax kept turning into 3 or 4 because I didn't realize that her plus my bipolar depression is a crappy way to be.
I stopped exercising. Between her flaking out and my own random goings on, we stopped going to the gym together, and I've yet to come to a balance between gym and home workouts. Right now I'm trying to do a squat challenge I found on Tumblr.

I'm not sedentary, as I said my husband and I go on walks, and there's always cleaning to do which keeps me up and at em.
But I know it's not enough. And because I know it's not, I feel shitty about myself because I make plans to exercise, and then don' do them. I either end up distracting myself with cleaning, or the MIL comes home for lunch and drains me emotionally, sometimes taking an emotional shit on me before she goes back to work, and I spend every minute of her lunch dreading her deciding not to go back.
I'm trying to fight my way out of the hole, I'm trying not to give up entirely on my health, because I know I deserve the respect to my body. right now it's walking up quicksand, but I know soon there will be something solid to stand on.
I don't know how often I will be back, but it will most likely not be happy entries until the end of the year.
Bright Blessings

WWI, Vacation

Today's Weight: 202.4
 Difference: 0.0
Total Difference:  -8.8
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I'm disappointed, but not really surprised by this week's numbers. I had been so hoping to continue my losing trend, but I'm guessing my break from routine this last weekend really screwed me over.
To top it off, I leave for a 4-day vacation tomorrow. I don't get to have my healthy, happy food. My parents didn't ask for my input on food. I dread to think how bad my weight will be by the time I return Sunday night. I'm bringing an exercise dvd, and there should be plenty of walking and hiking this weekend, so I really hope it won't be too bad. My lack of loss is really bumming me out.
I'm also trying to learn to do more push ups. They make me feel so week, in the core and arms :( Which I know isn't true, but damn are they hard.
 Since I forgot to factor in the vacation for my plans for the Shed and Shred, I guess I only get a week and a half of the combined levels, grr. But it's not practical to try it in a cabin shared with 8 other people. I'll be doing kickboxing, since they are 20 minutes and easy to fit in. Again, hiking and walking lots.
I didnt take progress pics this week, and I keep thinking maybe I shouldn't try next monday either since I'll be coming back from vacation.
I also blanked that starting the last weekend this month, my weekends are no longer available to workout with my dvds. That whole camping, lack of power thing. But I should be able to be very active on the weekends.
But I'm not going to worry about planning it til the beginning of next month.
Need to go pack.

WednesdayWeigh In is Back

and I forgot to post yesterday, so here it is a little late.

Today's Weight: 208.7
Difference: +0.2
Total Difference:  -2.5
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Starting all over again sucks.
I still believe I chose the wrong month to step away from the scale,even if it was good to do so in general.  I'm also somewhat in shock that fast food can really make that much of a difference. I think I'm glad I like to cook. I'm starting to wonder if I should try making most of my carbs  come from veggies. I've been reading how this is a recommended thing for those with period issues.
Anywho, next week is the final 2 weeks of the Body Revolution. I feel fttter than when I began, even if I haven't lost gangs of weight and gained some back. There are some moves that are so much easier for me to complete than at the beginning.
I so want to do this all over again.

Wednesday Weigh-in

 Today's Weight: 10.3
Difference: +0.8
Total Difference:  -0.9


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The last two days haven't been good. There was a loud thud as I scooched my ass of the wagon and just sat in the dirt instead of standing back up. I'm not sure whats going on. Been somewhat down, think it may just be a depressive cycle. I have been looking forward to working out, and had a mini-meltdown when being trapped on the phone for 2.5 hours made it impossible to go to the gym like I had planned. I ended up going after my evening out shopping with my parents, and to find out it was 'bring yuor family and friends for free today' so it was packed, and I've never worked out in such a large setting before.
I also know I'm feeling a little blue that at 8 weeks I'm not seeing any progress. I'm trying to ignore it but damn, do I wish I could see more results for all my effort.
my Mom insists you can see a difference in me, but never answered directly when I asked what difference there was.
I have no intention of giving up. I have this determination to keep going. As the posters say, a year from now I'll wish I had started today. So I've started my year.

Picture time:

I now look like the before picture again, at a slightly higher weight.  I look forward to being the after pictures again.  [and of course, beyond]

Wednesday Weigh-in and Brooding

Today's weight: 210.6
Difference: 0.6

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Sleep did not seem to help.  In general today is shaping into a day I would like to spend in bed.
It seems that both of my parents, not just my mother, feels its unrealistic to hope that with enough exercise and possible weight loss my arms will loos a couple of inches.  After their pronouncement last night that I returned with an acid, "Thanks.", my mother became exasperated and told my father this was what she was talking about. I told her this was different, and that shes been making disparaging comments for a couple of months now. She rolled her eyes and Dad said nothing. I don't know if he was doing that because he agrees with me or her. I do know that hearing them both doubt my ability to shape up and slim down even the tiniest felt like having my feet swept out from me and then having a kick in the gut for good measure. It especially feels like this because they have been more than happy to buy me sports bras, a yoga mat, a stability ball, so why they should be Negative Nancies in words is ... hurtful. It feels like my ever present cheer-leading squad felt the need to quit the team because they're sure their team is losing.
I realize that in 6 weeks I've made no actual progress in losing any weight, and my mind keeps niggling that they have a point, I must not be able to do this. But I also know that I should still keep trying. But after last night I just want to curl up in bed for a day.

Another reason I'm having a day of blues is wedding planning. As in more and more is being taken out of my hands and made into something I don't want, and when I say it's not what I want I get treated like I'm being unreasonable and irrational. Since this is an issue that goes back to my childhood [being treated like this] it's a huge trigger for me to feel helpless and like shit. I'm not being a bridezilla, in any way, because saying, and meaning I want small and simple is the truth. Where the wedding is being held it cannot be anything other than small, and I have never wanted fancy, outrageous, etc.

In other news, I don't know what to do for exercise today. My rear end and thighs are sore enough that trying to stand up or sit down  is problematic, so I don't know if my Element yoga would be pushing it [which I'm sure it would be], but taking a day off feels like cheating. Perhaps today would be a good day for 15 minute abs? Perhaps I will, with some yoga tonight once my glutes and quads have had some more rest. I mean I did go on a 30 minute walk this morning. But my goal has been that my walks in the morning with my mom being strictly extra curricular  to my exercise regime.  Perhaps it shall be a semi rest day, in which I will do my 15 minutes, do my Wednesday cleaning [the fiancee has weekly dinners with my parents and I], and get back on the horse rested tomorrow. *end ramble*

Small grumble: sometimes I detest counting calories. with my new deficit, I'm left feeling hungry at the end of the day no matter how smartly I ate.  fill up on fiber? done. Don't forget my protein? Hard to do so, yet at the end of the day, I'm still hungry. I wake up feeling hungry. I feel guitly for feeling hungry. I feel guitly looking at my livestrong when things go into the red because "Your Recommended Daily Allowance based on a 2,000 calorie diet scaled to your calorie goal. Set Custom Nutrient Goals " which you can set only if you're a paying member, which I wouldn't mind being except I can't afford it. So the general nutrient goals may not be practical for me at all, but the glaring red seems to say YOU Effed UP at me.  I wish it would be so easy to eat a little something in the manner of "Eat when you're hungry."

Oh and if you like spicy/peppers, Fresh and Easy has a poblano and jalapeno pepper beef patties that are pretty tasty and filling. Pair it with some veggies [I roasted a bell pepper but really anything that's fibrous and filling] and it makes a good meal.

Have a good one, everyone.

Sigh

How is it so easy to feel you are eating correct portion sizes, only to find out you were way off?
For the first time in a long while, I decided to count calories while at my fiancees instead of eye-balling the food and making healthier choices. Somehow I thought with all the healthier choices I've been making that I wasn't doing so badly on the weekends. I was W-R-O-N-G. On a whim, on Saturday I decided to put in my calories for the previous evening's meal after all.  His mom had decided to cook, and made what she calls hot dog casserole, which is bow-tie pasta, cut up hot dogs, onions, diced tomatoes, corn, and black beans. Let me just state for the record I have found a new hatred for all pastas and grains for one simple reason: the measurements are all dry. They are dry with nothing on the package indicating what 1 serving dry equals cooked. I ended up spending 45 minutes trying to find out how much bow-ties cook up to, and realizing that between what was served to me [a portion equaling the hugeness of my fiancee's who definitely eats more than I do normally, while she had something much more proper.] and the seconds I had because I was still hungry, and at 200 calories a serving.... 1200 calories. For a meal that still left me feeling hungry.
I was horrified. And annoyed. She feels she is eating more healthfully, and while she is for her, she still isnt paying attention to things. She also professes a hate of calorie counters, that she forget to use them and she hates feeling obligated to write everything down. I hate them when I realize I've overeaten when I wasn't trying to and read the label yadda yadda...
So I think I may have found the culprit. 4 nights out of the week [even when I do a majority of the cooking], I'm being sabotaged and sabotaging myself. 
I know this sounds like the biggest duh, but I guess there were a few baby step back to the path of health I forgot I needed.
I do think, on a off-topic, that my mother may kill me if I buy anymore tea before finishing what we already have. But flavors!!!

Well this weekend is certainly about picking yourself up when you fall down [hard off the wagon] and just keep going. Drinking heavily is, as we know, not conducive to weight loss and overall health. I have a tendency to kinda just keep going when I imbibe, which is why for about a month I've been having the dear fiancee pour for me - and cut me off. I haven't been drinking or thinking too much about it since I asked him to do this for me. However, Friday night was a bit of an exception.
My fiancee is one of the many that needed to move back in with his mother because of living costs v employment rate and pay in our part of the US. This has led, naturally, to many awkward and frustrating times. This past Friday night was intended to be a bit of alone time for the two of us, something we do't get much of. And while sometimes our alone time consists of nothing more than talking without interference, this night was definitely going to be a night of private time. This was not to be, as the minute he got out of the shower his mother came home early, and she began to say something as he hurried to his bedroom and he responded he needed to get changed and would be out in a minute. We were both frustrated, and decided it wasn't completely lost.  When it turned out his mother was not trying to talk to us through the door, but in fact talking to his younger brother and wife, I was a little more than mortified. I was also stuck in the bedroom, since my clothes were still with the rest of my things.  The fiancee obliged me by fetching my overnight bag, but I could feel my face burning as I left the room to go be sociable. I do not blush often, but I knew I was now. To give myself a moment to compose myself, I headed into the kitchen to make myself a drink.
For me, it seems, I should not drink on  an empty stomach, because I will joyfully feed myself on alcohol rather than food. And I did just that until his mother asked me an hour and a half later what we had decided to do for dinner. She informed me there was nothing to cook in the kitchen, which was not a surprise as she buys each meal makings individually. She opted for pizza for the 6 of us, which I ate more of what was delivered then was healthy.
The next day I paid for it, with a sensitive stomach and frequent trips to the bathroom to contemplate my naval.
This was coupled with the fact that plans changed for our weekend enough to mess with my schedule of getting in exercise, and made me feel as though I had failed. But it is Monday, and time to keep pressing forward.