Declaration

I'm going to say something frowned upon in the fitspo world:
I do not love my body.
For me, I do not subscribe to the popular saying that if I don't love my body now when I lose weight I won't love it then.
I'm not saying this is a wrong thing to strive for, but I'm sorry, it's not for me.
I love me. Ok, that took years. But I do, I love me, I love my personality, but no, I don't love this body I'm in. I'm working on changing as a sign of love to myself, I want my health. I detest my body's current state because it represents years of self abuse. I used food in all the wrong ways, purposely ignored opportunities to learn about health and how to change my ways. It represents years of self perpetuating hate, hate the body, hurt the body. I couldn't learn to love me because I fell into the trap of body is worth.
Now, I see a body I'm not happy with and I use it to get my butt moving because there are days, especially heat wave days, I have no desire to work out. But I look at myself and know if I don't like what I see, I need to change it. I can't complain about this body if I'm not willing to work on it. I will work out the rest of my life because I chose to make that my life style.
I also no longer hate myself for not working out when I don't get to and or/put it off. I don't hate myself when my diet is not my ideal. I forgive myself and move on. I don't need that negativity in my life anymore.
One day, I will like my body, and then love it, but for now, I want my health back.

WWI, Rocking Shoulders

Today's Weight: 206.2
 Difference: -1.4
Total Difference:  -5.0
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Hmmm, k personally I think .5 of that is water weight, yesterday I weighed in at 205.7 and today my fingers are a tad swollen. Just keep swimming! I really hope to break 200 by the end of August.
I'm going to be trying something for the next week/until the end of my mini shred. In the mornings at my parent's house, I'm going to within 15 minutes of waking up do [and did this morning, it was a great wakeup]:
5 Lunge Jumps ea leg
8 Weighted Burpees [with 12's! 6 months ago I couldn't do more than 3 regular burpees in a row!]
Cable Punches, 30 sec ea leg
3 Long Jumps [1 long jump, 3 short back jumps]
10 Push Up Jacks


I think a tiny bit of cardio in the morning maybe a good thing. Guess I'll see in a week or two. I still intend on doing the second mini shred with the bigger weights after this, but if the morning cardio doesnt seem to be working out I'm going to add in some Jillian kickboxing, I know I got results with that, and I miss doing it. I need to get the dvd back from my MIL, who I don't think has really used it since I lent it to her. I like me some short intense workouts. I have a few written down too, might try that too. Ahhh so many options to be active.

Also, I'm very impressed by my shoulders/back:

I'm getting my fantastic back back! The muscles are really starting to show again, at least in the upper area. Whoo-hoo. I do hate that pictures seem to be doing no justice to my biceps, they are getting harder and more defined. Oh well, I know theyre there

Hope you're having a good day!

Exercise Plan and WWI

Today's Weight: 206.5
 Difference: -0.4
Total Difference:  -4.7
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[I skipped the 4th of July's weigh in because it was celebrated away from my regular scale, the other one is too unreliable]


So I have a very... odd workout schedule for the next few weeks. I started too late in the month to do the 30DS in full*, and also, I wanted to work in my Sunday yoga classes.  Getting a good rhythm on the weekends right now to workout is proving difficult, which is why I have decided to not try to do 2 workouts in one day on Sundays.
So indeed, it's more like a 18-day routine.
5 days on each level and a yoga class, for 6 days of workouts. Today is day 3 of level 1.
I have kicked it up a notch by upping my weights to 8. I'm hoping that if the 18-day thing goes well, I can repeat it again with my 12s. Upping the handweights has made a difference. Level 1 always seemed somewhat easy, the 8s make it challenging again. I kinda dread doing it with 12s, hehe.
Have a good weekend!

*before the dress fitting at the beginning of next month

Playing Catch up

So two weeks in a row I ended up working a full day on monday, and so did what I asked about last week:
I did Monday's on Tuesday, and doubled Tuesday's with Wednesday's.
And eek, I'm past the half way point of the program! It's so weird. I'm also past the idway point of the month/phase, how is time flying like this?
My No Weigh May thing is probably good for me, because I'm almost certain I've not lost weight this month, and I don't know that I will in the the next 15 days. Something to do with out exercising a bad diet, and mine is all over the place, for many reasons. Some of them are ok, most are just my idiocy.  On a somewhat positive side, I don't think I'm gaining. But I cant be sure fore 25 more days. I don't miss weighing in, but in the past two days I've kinda wanted to know since I'm bumming. Oh well

However, lately I've been feeling smaller to myself, which is not in keeping with my weekly pictures, but it still feels nice.

Question

So yesterday I ended up working a full day instead of a half like I normally do, and so missed the time I normally do that day's disc. Normally, I would do it when I got home, however, I was exhausted when I got home. I was exhausted because the first half of my day was spent doing lots of physical labor while in some humid heat. In fact, I never really cooled down yesterday, got cooler, but I felt hot all day long, and getting home to a house with no a/c on was not helpful.
So, my question, do I let yesterday slide, or do I do workout 5 today, and double up and do workout 6 and cardio tomorrow and be caught up?

I'm so confused.

I thought about combining today and yesterday, but I waiting for the mail to show up because I decided to order myself the resistance cable JM uses in the program because the one I have currently isn't working out.  The plain rubber keeps snagging on my skin. The one she uses is nice and braidy. Plus I like the handles better.  It occurred to me the day after I ordered it I could've borrowed the MIL's since she's putting off restarting the program. But I want one of my own. And according to the tracking it will be delivered today.  Since our mail shows up around 1, and I have other things to do today, I don't think I can practically fit in 2 today.

This no-weigh May thing is... peculiar. On the one hand, I'm loving the freedom from it's tyranny and remembering it's only one small indicator of how my health is going. On another hand, I feel like I'm in a free-fall and that in 23 days I will discover I have gained massive amounts of weight. I suddenly feel that none of my food choices are good for me. I realize this shows how reliant I was on the damn scale, because I know currently 85% of my choices are healthy. It's that 15% that scare the crap out of me and I'm fighting very hard not to let disordered eating habits to pop back up, but instead try to get a tad more diligent about my dietary habits. I also need to remember that there are going to be times where I don't get to be as healthful as I'd like to be, but it doesn't mean I've failed.

Ranty

I'm just annoyed.  I'm annoyed that when it comes to bmr,  I apparently need to become active, clean all day.  It's not enough that I try to eat healthfully or that I exercise and I eat at a deficit from  my bmr.  Exercise doesn't seem to count with most websites designed to help you lose the weight. I exercise 6 days out of the week.  I clean/do house hold chores 2-3 days a week. My weekend job calls for me to do a fair bit of walking. But I still am not doing enough.  I guess since it's time to reclaim my back yard again, I will have a reason to be active to a good part of the day.  Also, I will be cleaning out  the front half of my parent's garage next week. Hopefully it has some positive impact. Grrr.  I hate feeling like a fool, because I really thought I was doing better, but it turns out I'm not losing weight like I thought I should for a very good reason.  Because also, it feels like  the idea that exercising raises your overall metabolism, and therefore, how much you're burning while resting, to be complete bullshit.

excuse my pity party.

Non Scale Victory Thoughts

These prolly don't count. But I thought I'd share them

In 14 weeks, I spent 42 hours and 25 minutes of them exercising.  [I have no figures for when I started about 3 weeks prior to that because I wasn't writing anything down.]

Anytime I start to feel down about how little progress I feel I've made, I can remind myself that I didn't gain back all 50 lbs I lost before my knees crapped out. I made that 50lb progress, and that is something. Setbacks happen.

I don't feel guilty [98% of the time] for eating something that isn't part of the healthy ideal. I very often know if it's a choice of feeding my body when I have the chance, and going with something 2nd best for it, and trying to wait for the absolute best, that wait is going to do bad things to me.

I no longer feel like giving up when I'm frustrated. Believe me, I get frustrated from time to time because my body isn't doing what I think it should be doing. Those inspirationals are right. It takes time, and if I don't keep going it's never going to happen and then I'll be upset even more. 6 months are going to pass no matter what, what matters is how I spend those months.

That's all I've got for now

Challenge End! Results!

click to enlarge

Starting weight: 212.0

Waist 41.5

Hips 53.25

Bust 45

Underbust 36.5

Thigh L 29 R 28

Bicep L16.5 R 16

Ending weight 204.4

3/17/12

Waist 40.5

Hips 51.5

Bust 43.5

Underbust 35.5

Thigh L28 R27

Bicep L16  R15.25

I missed more than five days, but I feel I made up those by adding in the kickboxing workouts.

Level 1 is decent, good for getting your feet wet again. I don't like Level 2, it kills me. I never mastered it, but I found myself hating it every time I did it. I love Level 3, it's fun. Sadly, it doesn't keep my heart rate up as much as Level 2 because of all the floor work.  I love most of the moves in it though, and I shall continue doing both the levels until I've mastered them.

I failed utterly at doing all the advanced moves days 6-10, but I was able to start to add in a few reps of advanced, or some moves I could do the advanced, but I couldn't do the whole workout advanced.

I would recommend this to anyone, eve those with knee problems like me. Anything I knew would aggravate my knees, I did something alternate. I marched, I squat-and-punched, etc.

So as you can see I got tiny results, and it makes me happy. 

Well then

End of day five. Tomorrow is traveling day. I won't be rising early to exercise. 5 days in a row plus walking for most of the days seems just fine. But, I got up every morning and spent 30 minutes in exercise, even when I wanted to sleep. Today is the only day I chose not to do sprints. I just wasn't up to it.
I did find out my runkeeper app is somewhat flawed because I didn't run, because the square courtyard I was walking was small enough that the gps thought I was going much slower than I was. Imagine my surprise when after speeding up, the 10 minute check in said I was going 3 minutes slower!!
I didn't figure out how it was possible until an hour later.
I'll be interested to weigh in on Sunday, after this long week. I don't think I really over indulged, but I definitely indulged. I personally didn't feel like exercising in the morning was doing anything for me, but I will know later.
Well I'm exhausted and need to pack.

Smile Darn Ya

Taking yesterday [mostly] off was a good idea. I definitely feel like I can exercise without tearing muscles today :D I also needed the mental downtime. Did do Bob's 15 minute abs because I still wanted to raise my heart rate a little for the day, and I tried out my new stability ball for a few moves. That thing I think will definitely be useful for toning and sweat-meter.
I have decided that after my month of 30- Day Shred I will be doing a rotation of  Jillian Michaels' Shred-it with Weights, Bob Harper's Kettle-bell Cardio Shred, and Bob Harper's Total Body Transformation. I may also sneak in a few times of the TBT before Florida as a way to apologize to my body for any wrongdoing I do while at the second happiest place on earth. [I'm a Disneyland loyalist].
I've done the kettle bell dvds before, I liked them. Doing even just 25 minutes with Jillian always felt like a great workout. There were maneuvers I never mastered, like the squat, jump-rotate, squat, jump-rotate, squat.... That always killed me.  After 4 weeks of  that I will decide how to shake up the work out routine.  I think planning 10 weeks in advance is enough for now.

Speaking of my 30-day Shred month, I would like to invite any of those who read or stumble upon this blog to join me. Start date is Feb 11, end is Mar 12. As part of my review/ self-inspiration, I shall take a picture Day 1 and Day 30. Well, and post it :P  I have no expectations, other than it will make me sweaty and sore and that I will curse at the TV.



So I have a few recipes I've stumbled on recently I thought I'd share.

Cajun Chicken Linguine Alfredo
Quinoa Risotto
Rosemary Garlic Chickpea Soup
Brussles Sprouts With Garlic and Cumin

Sigh

How is it so easy to feel you are eating correct portion sizes, only to find out you were way off?
For the first time in a long while, I decided to count calories while at my fiancees instead of eye-balling the food and making healthier choices. Somehow I thought with all the healthier choices I've been making that I wasn't doing so badly on the weekends. I was W-R-O-N-G. On a whim, on Saturday I decided to put in my calories for the previous evening's meal after all.  His mom had decided to cook, and made what she calls hot dog casserole, which is bow-tie pasta, cut up hot dogs, onions, diced tomatoes, corn, and black beans. Let me just state for the record I have found a new hatred for all pastas and grains for one simple reason: the measurements are all dry. They are dry with nothing on the package indicating what 1 serving dry equals cooked. I ended up spending 45 minutes trying to find out how much bow-ties cook up to, and realizing that between what was served to me [a portion equaling the hugeness of my fiancee's who definitely eats more than I do normally, while she had something much more proper.] and the seconds I had because I was still hungry, and at 200 calories a serving.... 1200 calories. For a meal that still left me feeling hungry.
I was horrified. And annoyed. She feels she is eating more healthfully, and while she is for her, she still isnt paying attention to things. She also professes a hate of calorie counters, that she forget to use them and she hates feeling obligated to write everything down. I hate them when I realize I've overeaten when I wasn't trying to and read the label yadda yadda...
So I think I may have found the culprit. 4 nights out of the week [even when I do a majority of the cooking], I'm being sabotaged and sabotaging myself. 
I know this sounds like the biggest duh, but I guess there were a few baby step back to the path of health I forgot I needed.
I do think, on a off-topic, that my mother may kill me if I buy anymore tea before finishing what we already have. But flavors!!!

Long time, No Post

I thought I had posted more recently than I had, but it seems I haven't. I thought I'd share with you today something from an awesome blog I follow, and some of my thoughts on it.
I wrote this after losing almost 100 pounds. I couldn't believe the physical changes in my body and health!  Aside from the scale, I observed the following:

1. I used to have to hold my breath to bend over and tie my shoes. I even avoided shoes that had to be tied, for this reason. Now, I don't even think twice about bending over, and it certainly doesn't make me lose my breath. I can't remember ever having this problem. I have had the roblem of not being able to have my leg directly in front for my to tie it because thigh and stomach were too big, but breathing? not the problem.
2. I used to sit down very slowly into a chair, for fear of breaking it. I exceeded the weight limit of most lawn chairs. I used to have a nice leather couch, and one day when I sat down too hard, I heard the wood break.  Now, I know that if I break a chair, it wasn't MY fault--it was a faulty chair! Well, I do it out of principal. I've seen someone skinnier than I break furniture by direct-butt-plopping them repeatedly.
3. I used to feel very shameful buying candy or junk food because of what people would think. Now, I feel just as entitled as everyone else to buy junk, and I don't feel like people are staring at me thinking how fat I am. Yeah, when I want to have some dark chocolate, I feel guilty.
4. I used to have a large open gap in my bath towel when I wrapped it around me--it just wouldn't go all the way around. Now, I can wrap it around me and overlap it with comfort. Not since before puberty has that been any other way  for me, so I didn't know it happened for adults. I always assumed there were different sizes of towels and we didn't get full bath size.
5. Sex is TOTALLY different... in a good way! When I dropped 50, sex was not different. It was just as vigorous and bendy as before.
6. I never used to be able to curl my legs up underneath me, or sit Indian-style or cross-legged. Now, I can do all of that with ease. I even sat Indian-style on my chair at the movie theater! I can't fold up in chair like you see the  cute girls in movies doing as they're being pensive about something, but I never lost my ability to cross my legs.
7. It took me a while to figure out why I had bruises just inside of each of my knees... I discovered it was because my knees can actually TOUCH each other now! When I sleep on my side, the bones press together and that's how I got the bruises. My knees touch, perhaps my ankles will bruise when I've lost more weight?
8. I used to have to take breaks while blow-drying my hair, because my arms got sore from holding them up for more than a minute or two at a time. Now, I can blow-dry my whole head and never feel achy. I rarely blow dry my hair, for 2 reasons, my hair is over 2 feet long and thick, so ys my arms get tired because it takes longer than most people, and 2, I don't feel the need to damage my hair like that.
9. I can paint my toenails now! I used to not be able to bend over long enough to paint them. Always been able to paint my toenails [just dont because the paint refuses to come off and then the nail discolors from not getting light]
10. I can take off my wedding rings now! They were stuck on my finger for more than 5 years. My rings have never been stuck o my fingers longer than a couple of days due to swelling.
11. When I go shopping, I don't automatically look for the largest size clothes and see if there is something I like. I look for clothes I LIKE first, then I look to see if it's in my size. When puberty hit my physiology changed and I gained weight like mad. Before I became very overweight, my breasts came in, and large. I've always needed to have the xl.
12. I don't feel horrified when I see pictures of myself. In the past, I HATED getting my picture taken, and now I kind of like it. I mostly hate taking pictures because the way I feel and the way I look are so incredibly different. It horrifies me to look at what others see and know its not what i feel or how I want to look. I want my looks to reflect how I feel inside.
13. I used to snore and have sleep apnea, and now I sleep quietly and soundly :) I only snore when I'm overtired. I'm not sure if you can have apnea if you sleep on your stomach.
14. When I went to the doctor, they used to have to get out a larger-size blood pressure cuff to fit around my arm. Now, I can use the regular cuff just fine. I don't believe they've ever needed a different cuff size for me.
15. I used to be hot all the time... even when everyone else was freezing. Now, I'm always cold. I know I used to get warm more quickly than others, but when I started working out that kind of went away.
    
16. In group photos, I always used to stand in the back, trying to hide behind everyone. Now, I enjoy being in front. Somewhat because I'm overweight, somewhat because I'm not big on being center of attention.
17. I received a gift certificate for a massage two Christmases ago. I waited almost until it expired t use it, because I was embarrassed. Finally, I went to use it, and the spa robe wouldn't fit around me. I was horrified. Now, I KNOW I could fit into the robe.I've never let my weight stop me from getting  a massage.  The robe thing might've been a problem, but I also wouldn't have been troubled if the walk wasn't far to the massage
18. When I go for walks, I love to see my shadow now--I can actually see nice curves in the right places. I've always like looking at my shadow, and shadows in general. I'm sure seeing a curvy  body will make me happy when it happens.
19. I used to avoid hugging people because I didn't want them to feel my fat. Now, I enjoy hugging people. Actually I just disliked hugging. I got over it because I was being introduced to too many people who couldnt comprehend the idea of not liking hugs and would hug me all the time.
20.  I used to get winded just walking around my house. Now, I run three times a week, anywhere from 2-5 miles. My house is one story and not large. I've never had this problem. My friends house has 2 flights that I frequently went up and down, that winded me, because they're the only stairs I deal with anymore [and at the time I hadn't been exercising for a few months]
21. I once drank corn syrup right out of the bottle because I had such a strong sweet craving and we didn't have anything sweet in the house. Now, I can eat just about anything without added sugar (or sweetener).  My sweet tooth is very sensitive now :) I think I did that once with baker's chocolate.  I then found out it isnt sweet. I don't go for sweets like I used to
22. I used to sweat just SITTING, and it was horribly embarrassing. Now, I love that I get super sweaty on my runs (and that I don't sweat unless I'm exercising). the only time this has been relevant to me as an overweight person is during the summer, especially if I'm indoors with no air moving.
23. When I hold up a pair of jeans, I think, "There is NO WAY I can fit into those! They're so small!" But then I try them on, and they FIT. When I reached size 16 last year, I felt this way somewhat. Nowadays I have the opposite problem, I look at pants and think I can fit in them, and it turns out they're a size or 2 too small. I'm really hoping that at some point, 16s will once again start being too big.
24. When my older son Noah was learning to ride a two-wheeler, I sat in a lawn chair and my sister ran along side the bike, because I couldn't do that. When it was my younger son Eli's turn to learn, I ran up and down the street with his bike over and over again. It was ME that taught him! One faire season, the child I babysit was watched mostly from a chair, I couldn't keep up with her. A year later, I could keep up with her much more easily.
25. I asked the man working at a liquor store if he sold any other beer that was under 70 calories per bottle. He looked at me and said, "You don't need to worry about calories!"  This meant a lot to me because he didn't KNOW about my weight loss. He only talked to me for a moment and assumed I was a thin person.
26. I used to worry about sharing a hotel room with other people, because I snored so loudly. Now, I don't snore at all and I'm more than happy to share a room. Because Im large and need lots of room in a bed.
27. I never thought that FEET could be fat, but they, too, went down a whole size. My feet achieved their largest size before I put on any significant weight in my early teens, but after losing 50 lbs they went down a whole size. Curious.
28. Some girls have told me to stop losing, because I'll be TOO skinny... you know that means they only view me as competition! ;)
29. I've developed a whole new set of taste buds... I used to hate fish, and now it's part of my regular menu. I think certain foods are "too sweet" now. I love garbanzo beans! And OATMEAL. My goodness, I could eat oats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Having to go on the cholesterol diet a few years ago really forced me to learn how to eat differently, learn to season without fattening. I grew up with half the things the diet required so it was never a huge  transition, but I learned how much more satisfying it was.
30. I used to head straight for the Women's section of department stores. Now, I can shop Misses or even Juniors. Yep, and try to find clothes appropriate to my age range since most of it seems to be geared towards women about 10-15 years older than I.
31. I used to wake up feeling sore and achy. Now, I feel refreshed when I wake up. Only when I've been working out very hard.
32. I used to plan my day around binges--thinking about what I would binge on later. Now, I plan my days around my runs--I make sure to get in 3 runs a week, whenever I can. Can't say that I have, more like hoping I can resist something I want to eat, and end up eating lots, over the whole day.
33. I used to get embarrassed and try to hide when I would see an old friend while out and about. Now, I stop to chat with them. Sometimes. I've been overweight since middle school so I'm more embarrassed that I haven't lost the weight as a 'grown-up' more than anything else. Especially since MY sister had lost the weight by now when she was my age. [sibling competition? you bet your ass!]
34. I never used to eat breakfast. Now, breakfast is my FAVORITE meal of the day (oatmeal!) This was true before I decided to fix my crappy sleep habits. I started getting up at a regular time, going to bed at a regular time, eating breakfast and taking vitamins. All those benefits people told me I would have from doing that? never happened.
35. When walking the half-marathon at my heaviest, I thought that everyone would look at me and say to him/herself, "Well, if SHE can do it, I certainly can!"  At the 2010 half-marathon, I was passing up people that were MUCH thinner than me. I really want to walk a half marathon.
36. I used to worry that I was an embarrassment to my family, because they are all thin. Now, I fit right in for the family pictures and I look like I belong. Yes and no. 8 years ago my sister who was heavy like me started losing weight and 3 years later looked good, and now looks fabulous [being near naked to get in my wedding gown while next to her a mirror was depressing as all hell] while I've been struggling for about 4 years, with serious effort for 2 1/2.  My mom got gastric bypass 2 years ago and consequently dropped alot of weight and looked wonderful, and my dads weight yo-yos, but my extended family on my mom's side have always had good health so I always feel an embarrassment to them.
37. I used to avoid social situations because of how fat I was and how embarrassing it was for people to see me like that. Now, I love to wear a cute outfit and spend time with friends.
38. I used to think my husband was a liar when he told me I was pretty. Now, I believe him. I want to believe him so badly.
39. I'm not embarrassed to talk about how much I love certain foods anymore, even if it's a junk food. As a fat person, I thought it would be humiliating to say "I love cookies!"  Now, I feel like it's okay to say that I love chocolate so much I would marry it if I could.
40. When I was fat, Iused to wonder if every ache or pain in my chest was a heart attack. Now, I know that the odds are very unlikely that I'd be having a heart attack. My cardiologist says my heart is great, but my tachycardia scared the shit out of my and the arm pains have never been explained, but I'm going to keep exercising and trying to loose weight.
41. My husband and I can lie next to each other on the couch now. I cant wait for that day, but I also want a deep counch where we could nap, with an animal cuddled up too [or kid]
42. When my husband and I take a shower together now, we can trade places without bumping up against the walls of the shower. We don't really shower together, so I can't comment
43. My underwear doesn't look like a slipcover for an over-sized arm chair anymore. I can buy cute undies! I acutally decided to start wearing the granny panties to support the apron and pull it in and hope for cute undies when I'm skinnier. when you can see 'cute' undies cutting your fat through loose jeans, it's just wrong.
44. I used to shower 2 or more times a day in the summer because I was worried that the sweating would make me smell bad. Just one shower is definitely enough now :) I shower more now than when I was heavier. On the whole, I believe Americans shower too much. I shower twice a week, because any more and my hair dries out, and any less and my hair turns to strings. It's less noticeable when I don't exercise 5 days a week. Oh, and I feel decadent and wasteful showering twice a week and try not to be wasteful.
45. I used to feel invisible when at a store--nobody would really pay any attention to me. Now, as shallow as it is to say it's because of my weight, people look and smile and offer to help me. I really don't care if that changes, most salespeople make me feel like I'm being assaulted.
46. If I'm cold at a friend's house, I can ask to borrow a sweatshirt. In the past, I used to pretend I was comfortable just because I knew her shirt would never fit me. Didn't really have this problem, I usually asked for a blanket of grabbed a jacket from my car.
47. I don't have to take pictures at certain angles to get rid of my double chin... I simply don't have a double chin now! It's more of a jowl, and its a family trait. it will get smaller, but it will always be there and unflattering.
48. I feel worthy of saying, "I'm hungry" or "I'm starved!"  When I was fat, it would have been almost like a joke to admit to being hungry at 253 pounds.
49. My husband can wrap his arms around me far enough to touch his elbows. the fiancee is tall and has always been able to touch elbows.
50. I never used to drink water. Now, I drink an entire quart first thing in the morning, and I get an additional quart or two throughout the day. before 2 1/2 yrs ago, I disdained water. couldn't stand it. then I started drinking tea by the gallon [brewed tea] because I had read about the benefits of green tea in weight loss and I had always been partial to tea. Since I was drinking far less diet soda, tea and water started tasting really great. Sadly, I still have phases of way too much soda. Sometimes I really just want the bubbles.
51. I've set goals that I never would have thought possible when I was 253 pounds... like run a 5k, 10k, 15k, even a half-marathon. I truly believe that I can do those now. I have some new fitness goals. I'm excited about them. more on them later
    
52. I've come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T "be like everyone else" when it comes to eating and drinking what I want, when I want. I'll have to do my own thing for the rest of my life, but I'm actually okay with that.
53. I've really started to recognize signs of physical hunger (the not-so-obvious-as-my-tummy-growling kind of signs)--headache, empty feeling, crabbiness, weakness.  I've learned that my stomach doesn't growl until long after I first get hungry.
54. I truly ENJOY eating the foods I eat. I don't eat anything I don't like. In fact, I haven't eaten a single salad throughout my entire 99+ pound weight loss! And! I will try things I havent tried before [like kale, hear I should try it] to see if I can add it to the things I like to eat that are great for me
55.  I can fit my whole self into ONE LEG of jeans I wore just 10 months ago. I don't know that I will ever be that skinny, I have no intention of being on the lower end of acceptable weight for my height [because my frame counts too, and I shouldn't be that skinny]
    
56. The closer you get to your goal weight, the faster the clothes sizes drop. Look forward to that
57. I've actually been hit on by men since losing the weight. That never happened when I was fat. I get hit on by fat lovers and fat fetishists all the time, usually older men, and it creeps me out.
58. Knitting is one of my passions, but I never wanted to make garments that I would wear--it takes a heck of a lot of yarn and a lot more time. Now that I can knit a size small or medium, knitting sweaters is definitely an option for me! And I did--I've made two sweaters so far.Knitting, crocheting, and sewing.
59. Numerous people have told me that I inspire them. That just blows my mind! I've never been "the success story" before.  If I only inspire my beloved, that's ok with me.
60. I used to have horrible insomnia, and I would toss and turn all night long. Now, I sleep soundly (provided my kids actually let me!) Only when I'm stressed or it's the summer time. Ive had heat exhaustion a couple of times and it really messes with your tolerance for heat.
61. I've saved a LOT of money from eating at home. We used to eat out and order in very often, but now we never do. I truly enjoy home cooked food much more than restaurant food, and it's so much healthier. I do love to cook, and teaching my fiancee to cook. Not all the recipees are healthier though ;)
62. When I went to see the gynecologist for my annual pap smear, I asked her about a lump I felt just under my breast. She informed that it was my rib! lol Maybe one year I wont feel embarrassed to have someone poking around down there because of my thick thighs my stomach lopping over, and hoping that it isnt somehow smelly down there. I would love to think I had a lump in my boob that's really just a rib.
63. I can see my knee bones now. Before, it was just a big round joint, and now it's angular.
64. I can see the bones in my hands and feet, too. Somewhat in my feet.
65. I actually FEEL feminine now. When I was 253 pounds, I felt like a sexless blob. I try not to think about it too much, because I start myself in a horrible spiral of depression trying to understand how my fiancee thinks I'm attractive and not repulsive.
66. Feeling feminine gives me the desire to style my hair, wear make-up, and wear cute clothes. I try to dress up and what not to not give up on my self completely.
67. Hell, I even wear cute pajamas now! No more of my husband's t-shirts. I like wearing my fiancees shirts to sleep in. I'm sure I'd get a kick out of wearing cute pjs too.
68. I make everything accommodate MY lifestyle now--if I'm going to a party and I don't think the food fits in with my plan, I simply don't eat it (I eat in advance). I don't let anyone make me feel guilty for doing what's best for ME.
69. My blood pressure is now 90/60!  I've never had HIGH blood pressure, but it was about 120/80. I really hope regular exercise will bring this down.
70. My resting heart rate is 50... it used to be 75. this too. Im hyper aware of my pulse rate
71. I can wear cheap jewelry now--the cute necklaces, rings, and bracelets actually fit.
72. My hands used to go completely numb sometimes, especially when I was sleeping. That hasn't happened at all since I've lost the weight. It's happening now only because of soft tissue damage in my shoulders. Be warned, never overdo it at the gym!
    
73. I don't feel self-conscious about what is in my grocery cart anymore... because 95% of what I buy is healthy food!
74. I feel really good about cooking dinner for my kids, because I know they are eating healthy. I make one meal for the whole family, I don't do a "diet" meal for myself and a "regular" meal for my family. The fiancee has been more than happy to switch to my diet.
75. I enjoy food even MORE now--sweet foods taste sweeter, spicy foods taste spicier, creamy foods taste creamier, etc. It's like I have brand new taste buds that are super sensitive (in a good way!)
76. I used to get excited to go to events like weddings and parties because of the food. Now, I rarely even eat at the events, and instead I enjoy spending time with people.
77. I rarely get cravings for any particular food anymore. And if I do, it's for something completely random (like an english muffin, or a really crisp apple, or oatmeal). I get cravings for very random, specific food pairings, some unhealthy, some healthy.
78. I used to worry about getting sweat spots under my arms, and I would have to choose a shirt that wouldn't show the spots. Now, I only sweat while exercising. Ive never had a problem with sweating
79. I used to not be able to fit into certain chairs, or it was a very tight squeeze (chairs with arms). Now, I usually have room on either side of me to spare.
80. I used to love wearing oversized clothes in order to hide my body. Now, I only wear fitted clothes and I get rid of all clothes that are even a little bit big. I wear some over sized, some fitted, but none tight, because they ride up and make me look like I dont know how to dress myself, and I know people in my life who do that. Momma taught me right.
81. I choose what to eat based on whether it's really worth the calories. At the beginning of my journey, eating a 100 calorie pack of cookies was no big deal, because I could eat a lot more calories. Now that I can eat a much smaller amount of calories, the 100 cal pack of cookies is a HORRIBLE deal. I would never waste 100 calories on something so small and not-tasty!
82. I successfully gave up white flour for Lent. If you had told me just a year ago that I would do that, I would have laughed in your face. I enjoy whole grains a lot now!
83. Once in a while, I have a dream that I binge like I used to, and it makes me feel horrible. When I wake up, I'm SO RELIEVED that it was just a dream!
84. When I buy clothes, I can only plan on wearing it a couple of times before it's too big... so I shop at thrift stores and look for clearance items. I live in a mostly Latino town, most of my thrift shops are filled with clothes too tiny for me because the girls started families and around here [no offense intended] it's not a priority to loose weight after having babies. The department stores aimed at the anglo crowd are aimed at the upper middle class that live in the foot hills that are perpetually skinny and so the stores don't carry plus sizes. [no joke, the target near me no longer has a plus size section, just a maternity section]
85. My bowels are very "regular" now... and that's all I'm going to say about that ;) Still have issues with that sadly
    
86. I've lost 4 inches in my neck... my NECK! Strangely, my neck has never gained weight.
87. My BMI category went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight"... and now less than 10 pounds from being "normal".  Even when I had lost 50 lbs, I was still morbidly obese. I was so waiting for the day when I was only obese.
88. My thighs used to get chaffed from rubbing together. Now, they barely brush together when I walk. My thighs only chafe if I don't wear pants or shorts. I have a habit of wearing shorts under skirts, especially since it now helps prevent chaffing [as a kid it allowed me to play on the playground on chapel days]. The flipside is I tend to destroy pants by rubbing through thigh area.
89. I used to be too self-conscious to wear shorts. I would suffer all summer long in jeans. As soon as the temp went up this year, I bought about 10 pairs of shorts. My calves got a lot slimmer but they still look so damn awkward in shorts.
90. I went from a 24W down to a size 8 in just 10 months. in 10 months I went from a 20/22W to a 16R/18W. Currently, I am 18/20W. When I gained back, a good deal of it went to my stmach and hips.
91. I used to look at old pictures of me when I was thinner, and wish to look like that again. Or anywhere even close to that! However, now I am THINNER than I was in those pictures! It's a very strange feeling. Even some pictures where I'm still overweight, but not nearly as bad, make me wish to be 'that thin' again.
92. I walked a half marathon at 253 pounds, and one year later, at 165 pounds. It was a MILLION times easier and SO MUCH MORE FUN the latter time.
93. My alcohol tolerance is much lower, now. I used to be able to drink a 6-pack of beer and not feel a thing. Now, my limit is 1-2 drinks before I start to feel like it's too much.
94. You know how when you get to a certain age, and someone asks how old you are, you have to stop and think for a minute? Well, I do the same thing with my weight. A lot of times, I still start off by saying, "Two--I mean, ONE hundred fifty-three pounds". It's going to take a while to get used to it.
95. I actually enjoy drinking my coffee black and unsweetened now.  I used to put about 1/4 cup of creamer in ONE cup of coffee! And not to even mention the amount of sugar...  Because of the tachycardia, I dont drink coffee anymore. I really feel it was a trigger. and strangely, I binge on it. I don't need sugar in it, but I do need milk or creamer.
96. My treadmill is no longer a dust collector. I actually use it when I can't get outside to run. I would love to have a treadmill or elliptical machine. Especially since my dog is dumb and walking/sprinting with her is difficult and not nearly as productive as I'd like.
97. I used to "hoard" my WW points/calories for late in the day. I was always worried that if I use them now, I'll be STARVING later. Now, however, I use them when I'm hungry and in turn, I'm rarely hungry later in the day after using my calories. Also, I always used to think I had to save my "dessert" for a bedtime snack. Now, I eat my daily dessert whenever I feel like having something sweet! I try to have bigger breakfasts and then eat accordingly the rest of the day. I had started eating too little because I was so worried about going over my calories if I ate too much 'right now'
98. I've gotten more adventurous since losing the weight. Trying new things, going out more, meeting new people.
99. When I sit down, my stomach doesn't rest on top of my thighs anymore. I really can't wait to find out what that's like

I think you can see a reoccurring theme in all of this is I don't seem to be troubled by alot of the things that 'fat' people 'cant' do. I don't feel fat, I know it. There's a huge difference in that.
[list from Runs For Cookies]

So, to share some goals I made when I got back into exercising a few weeks ago:

I want to be able to run a 12-minute mile, for 3 miles total

I want to be able to do 20 push ups

I want to be able to hold a one-minute plank again

Not worry about fitting into the wedding dress we bought

I know that seems like a short list, but to me, that's all I need right now to work on.  

Hope you all have a great new year!

Its Hardly Working

But I'm going to keep working hard.. My bi polar is having a grand time with me too, doesn't help a bit, does it.
I'm looking into some blogs about Clean Eating, because well, I keep hearing about it, and, I love a good veggie recipe. I've also been inspired recently to plant some beans [and squash] in my front yard, though to the dismay of my mother, it wasn't in a small corner where nothing grows, but scattered along the top of it in order to help heal the soil. I love watching it grow.

One day.

Goal to Lose?: 64
Goal Time: 05/12

Some great-sounding recipes I can't wait to try out:
Brussels Sprouts Hash
Seasoned Brussels Sprouts
Broccoli Mushroom Quiche
Jambalaya
Many more at The Gracious Pantry

I love graphs. I've always been a sucker for them, even if they show whacks things, for instance, my 'weight' loss. see how much that damn dot bounces?
Of course, some of it is the wonderful thing called my current weekends, working at the southern California renaissance pleasure faire, in which, even though I make good choices as often as possible, My body gets whacked out. I mean seriously i have and water and who knows what gain of about 6 lbs each weekend. I know they're not real numbers but it's annoying to see that after the persnickety scale has started budging downward it gets to tango back up after two days. meh. Oi with the poodles already.
I got to see my doctor this Monday, but f course, she told me to come back in a month when I'll have insurance again to diagnose my knees [since xrays will rape your pocketbook] and I think I'll wait til then to ask for an antidepressant again. I think I'll use this opportunity to research some of the newer ones to come out since I was on them regularly. I'm just hoping the cream for the ringworm will work. so tired of looking at it on my feet.
Its my birthday next Friday and somehow, I don't think I'll reach my goal of 189, which would have my back at my original 50 pound loss [well, ok, that would be 53.2 lbs, but dammit it was my lowest weight]. however If I can nudge back down to a 195 I will be satisfied with that, for it will be a 48.2 loss [which i will round down to 45 since it only make me happy to have the weird real numbers].

I've changed up my gym routine recently and I'm loving the burn I'm feeling. The very inspirational blog Thge Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss reminded me of something I had forgotten when it came to my gym routine: it takes girls a lot longer, and a lot heavier weights, to look like a female Schwarzenegger when weight training. This being once again firmly rooted in my mind, I have been throwing myself at those weights. Oh alright, I just pick them up and do combo work with them, but either way I get strange looks from the skinny things at the gym. My fellow 'want-to-shed-a-few-inches' crowd don't notice or do similar things, but really, it' hilarious to see the skinny things watch me with disdain and horror as I *gasp* do leg presses and arm extensions at the same time while on a machine [followed by using a strictly arm machine for some moves that work arms and abs, whoo-hoo]
in a few weeks I will change to a new routine for a while to challenge my body. It was going to be in 2 weeks but I have a temporary job next week that has me staying with the bf so that I don't kill my car with the commute and being too far away from my gym to work out :( This is the only time I'm really sad my gym is not a chain, but since my job will be physically involved, I hope to make up for it.

Enough babbling, I have chores to do, a cd to buy, and a gym to sweat in before my evening of family time starts.

Still not loosing weight even though I'm attending the gym 2-3 times a week and home exercise in between. Still maintaining a 1200 calorie diet with very few slips. I'm feeling very discouraged though I have started only weighing myself at the gym because weighing myself at home was starting to cause me problems. I'm guessing depression isn't helping but you've got to love self-causing downward spirals. Depression leads to lack of weight loss which leads to lack of weight loss. However I'm trying to alleviate said depression with my enjoyment yoga and learning the art of poi.
I still hope and still will work towards weight loss. perhaps tomorrow I will share recent delicious finds.

Jillian Michaels

30 day shred is totally handing my ass to me. This is sad because I'm only on level one, and back before my knees went out level three was only moderately hard to me. Of course, they don't include jumping jacks which hurt my chest both inside and out from the boobage and asthma. And from wearing 2 sports bras to contain the boobs, Im thinking I just need to suck it up.
I think I'm going to take my sore muscles  into the shower and hope it helps.

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Breakfast:
2 eggs sunny side easy
1 whole wheat english muffin
3 tlbsp roasted red pepper hummus
1 can progresso chicken noodle soup
Estimated calories left: 650-700

Exercise:
Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred: Level 1 [Day 3]

Today was a last decadence: I ate breakfast/lunch at Cracker Barrel, since we don't have them at home.  I had what I think is the Country Boy breakfast, can't remember, but I can tell its huge and largely unhealthy.  It was meant to be a late breakfast early dinner, however, it took two hours for the cab to get to us. So really, It was just a late lunch. My dinner was light by comparison, and now I get to go pack so I can go home tomorrow.


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Exercise:
morning, 20 min wii fit balance games and aerobics
evening 32 min elliptical