Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Wednesday Weigh-in and Brooding

Today's weight: 210.6
Difference: 0.6

Sleep did not seem to help.  In general today is shaping into a day I would like to spend in bed.
It seems that both of my parents, not just my mother, feels its unrealistic to hope that with enough exercise and possible weight loss my arms will loos a couple of inches.  After their pronouncement last night that I returned with an acid, "Thanks.", my mother became exasperated and told my father this was what she was talking about. I told her this was different, and that shes been making disparaging comments for a couple of months now. She rolled her eyes and Dad said nothing. I don't know if he was doing that because he agrees with me or her. I do know that hearing them both doubt my ability to shape up and slim down even the tiniest felt like having my feet swept out from me and then having a kick in the gut for good measure. It especially feels like this because they have been more than happy to buy me sports bras, a yoga mat, a stability ball, so why they should be Negative Nancies in words is ... hurtful. It feels like my ever present cheer-leading squad felt the need to quit the team because they're sure their team is losing.
I realize that in 6 weeks I've made no actual progress in losing any weight, and my mind keeps niggling that they have a point, I must not be able to do this. But I also know that I should still keep trying. But after last night I just want to curl up in bed for a day.

Another reason I'm having a day of blues is wedding planning. As in more and more is being taken out of my hands and made into something I don't want, and when I say it's not what I want I get treated like I'm being unreasonable and irrational. Since this is an issue that goes back to my childhood [being treated like this] it's a huge trigger for me to feel helpless and like shit. I'm not being a bridezilla, in any way, because saying, and meaning I want small and simple is the truth. Where the wedding is being held it cannot be anything other than small, and I have never wanted fancy, outrageous, etc.

In other news, I don't know what to do for exercise today. My rear end and thighs are sore enough that trying to stand up or sit down  is problematic, so I don't know if my Element yoga would be pushing it [which I'm sure it would be], but taking a day off feels like cheating. Perhaps today would be a good day for 15 minute abs? Perhaps I will, with some yoga tonight once my glutes and quads have had some more rest. I mean I did go on a 30 minute walk this morning. But my goal has been that my walks in the morning with my mom being strictly extra curricular  to my exercise regime.  Perhaps it shall be a semi rest day, in which I will do my 15 minutes, do my Wednesday cleaning [the fiancee has weekly dinners with my parents and I], and get back on the horse rested tomorrow. *end ramble*

Small grumble: sometimes I detest counting calories. with my new deficit, I'm left feeling hungry at the end of the day no matter how smartly I ate.  fill up on fiber? done. Don't forget my protein? Hard to do so, yet at the end of the day, I'm still hungry. I wake up feeling hungry. I feel guitly for feeling hungry. I feel guitly looking at my livestrong when things go into the red because "Your Recommended Daily Allowance based on a 2,000 calorie diet scaled to your calorie goal. Set Custom Nutrient Goals " which you can set only if you're a paying member, which I wouldn't mind being except I can't afford it. So the general nutrient goals may not be practical for me at all, but the glaring red seems to say YOU Effed UP at me.  I wish it would be so easy to eat a little something in the manner of "Eat when you're hungry."

Oh and if you like spicy/peppers, Fresh and Easy has a poblano and jalapeno pepper beef patties that are pretty tasty and filling. Pair it with some veggies [I roasted a bell pepper but really anything that's fibrous and filling] and it makes a good meal.

Have a good one, everyone.

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