Thursday, June 28, 2012

There again

Yeah, I'm sure hormones are contributing, but I can't stop bumming over how much I have failed. I failed in my goal to be a dress size down by my august fitting. I failed in my goal to lose weight in general.  May not have failed the goal to make exercise part of my life, but seriously bummed that apparently my diet sucks worse than I thought it does.  So I failed at that. Last night I deamt about what I've been dreading, how much I'm going to look like a sausage in my wedding dress. An ivory white sausage.  And I'm tired of defending my depression over this to others who assume I'm going to quit because I've failed.  I'm just frustrated. It's absolutely maddening to make so much effort and get no results, inches or lbs.
Also, cant remember if I mentioned here, but I upped my calories back to 1400. I really feel I wasn't eating enough at net 1200.

The more I come to understand about nutrition and calories, the more I wonder at the dietary changes my doctor put my on for my cholesterol a few years ago. It was high enough to need medication, but really had barely made the cut for needing meds to help lower it. There are plenty of foods I understand why I needed to cut back on, but now my mind reels at the fact that they put me on a flat 1200 cal diet. They told me to exercise too, and really, I understand now why I didn’t lose weight, I wasn’t eating enough. I was exercising 3-5 days a week back then, but the drastic change and the massive calorie restriction really screwed me up. Back then I was still smoking so I had that when I ran out of calories, and I did come to love tea, but wow. I’m appalled now they didn’t refer me to a nutritionist to help lower my daily intake and come up with diet changes that would work for me. Half of the things on the sheet they handed me I won’t eat, or couldn’t afford to eat. The other half, I already ate. Add that to not getting enough food [I remember being constantly hungry, and miserable back then.], it’s no wonder that in 6 months I only lost 30 lbs. I have mentioned before that my doctor really screwed me up by telling me I was on the verge of a stroke or heart attack as a scare tactic to get me to change my health.
/end rambling

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